He looked just like Bradley Cooper. No word of a lie. Dark wavy hair, piercing blue eyes and a smile that was energetic and contagious. For those of you who know me pretty well, you can attest to me being slightly swayed, against my better judgement, to give more chances than is really necessary to those of the opposite sex who are handsome/charming. I hate to generalise, but ridiculously good looking men TEND to come with a fair amount of ego/mummy issues/substance abuse issues etc.
Anyway. This is how the date panned out. I was instructed to meet at the Circular Quay ferry stops at 7:00pm and to dress nicely. So that I did. I spotted him a mile away, how could you not see Bradley Cooper from 50ft? He was tall, suave and dressed in a suit and went right in there for the European two kiss on the cheek thing and I was all like SWOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!!!!!! He took my arm and led me to this waterfront restaurant WARNING SIGN #1. Men who take you to an overpriced restaurant with harbour views want one thing from you. But I was doing this thing where I was trying not to be pessimistic. So we sit down and he orders a bottle of wine. WARNING SIGN #2. Don’t get me wrong, nothing wrong with a bit of Dutch courage, but not at $300 a bottle. The conversation flowed really well mostly because he spoke about himself (WARNING SIGN #3) and didn’t ask me any questions about myself. It was at that point, after one glass of wine I stopped drinking…He clearly enjoyed the topics of conversation he picked and so the wine flowed from a second and third bottle, which he consumed all to himself. About 20 minutes in I’m thinking, man, this dude is just gorgeous but completely lacks substance… how the fuck can I politely bail. I thought about texting my gf in the toilet to ring in 10 minutes to tell me my uncle’s sister’s boyfriend’s dog had died. But at the rate he was drinking he was going to end up blind anyway which means I get out of this situation still being a nice girl and all that…
So two hours passed and I’m sitting there all sober and polite while he slurs every word and spits on the table in front of him every third word. I pretend to shuffle about in my chair but I’m actually trying to dodge the wayward bits of saliva that are travelling beyond the wine glass/salt and pepper shaker barrier I’d created an hour previously when I realised this guy was nuts. Anyway. The bill comes. It’s like $600. Most of it wine. I don’t like to give the wrong impression especially to a lunatic, so I was like “ok, no worries, I’d like to pay half (of my entire fucking wage and now Little Miss and I are going to eat baked beans for the next fortnight YOU TWAT).” His response, “come on babe (WARNING SIGN #4), I have money you know I do (WARNING SIGN #5). I’ve dated super models you know, and celebrities (WARNING SIGN #5). My dad died last year and left me with a shit load of money, it’s ok though because he was a real c*nt (WARNING SIGN #6).” OOOOOOOOOOOOKAY…. I was really insistent on paying but he picked up the tab when I went to the bathroom. Then I had to escort him out into circular quay because he couldn’t walk properly. Circular quay on a Saturday night is super super busy and there were people everywhere, so he’s like “lets go get a cab and go back to my place…” Aw GAWD ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! I politely decline. He’s like “What? Why? I just bought you dinner?” I told him he was just a little too drunk but I had a lovely time and I wouldn’t mind seeing him again (I’d rather get papsmear with a dishwashing brush made from steel wool). Then it kicked off. He screamed “YOU’RE NOTHING BUT A FUCKING WHORE AREN’T YOU!? YOU’RE JUST IN IT FOR THE FREE FOOD!!!!” He was like 5cms from my face screaming at me REALLY loudly. His tirade continued and I was sort of frozen on the spot until this really nice young man came up to me and ask “are you ok” to which I think he just saw this look on my face like “get me the fuck out of here” and he lead me away from Mr. Crazy and put me in a cab whilst he was still screaming in the middle of the square about how women are food crazy whores.
Here’s the kicker. The next day he messaged me “Hey Babe, can’t believe I had such a great time with you last night. I normally only ever meet mental chicks on tinder. You’re really beautiful and interesting. When can I see you again?” Zero recollection of what happened. Deleted. NEXT….