The Suzi Tinder Dating Chronicles: Chomp Chomp

I recently have come into some spare time. This time of year often affords me a luxury most of us take for granted. With BD up for the holidays, I get three days at a time to myself. This is both amazing and frustrating at the same time. While I miss her like a shark attack victim misses their arm, I’m also feeling jubilation at being able to do things by myself…  like go to the toilet without a little voice saying “Mummy, let me see!” God I miss that. What did I do with all this new found time? I did all my Christmas shopping and squeezed in a Tinder date of course.

This was a second date from the last one. The dead cat guy. Why did I give it another shot after so vehamently denying his efforts from the last date? It was the damn entertaining snap chats again! That and he was super handsome and literally had the most perfect teeth ever. Ok, so he was a bit quiet, but the snaps indicate otherwise. A date with copious amounts of alcohol it is then!! At this stage I was still umming and ahhing about whether or not he was relationship material or whether he really was a bit odd. Time is going to tell. It’s certainly been a while… I wonder if I’m revirginised? Went to a local RSL… off to a promising start. Had drinks. Going well… conversation flowing and out of his shell he came. Went to The Pit… getting a bit blurry but still having an amazing time. Went from there into town for a drink… still going super well and by this point, like 10 hours had passed and I still liked him. Ended up at a gay bar in the valley. This is where it gets a well fuzzy…. I remember beating a lot of people at pool. Like, a lot. Suzi the pool shark alter ego at it again. I drank a lot of red bull.. something I must remember not to do again. It must have been about 2 or 3am when we left.

Fast forward to the next day. I’m having a shower. One of many steps needed to deal with a hangover. Child still with BD all day is always the best start, shower and painkillers come second. I get a glance of my Moby dick sized white ass in the mirror… OH. DEAR. GOD. What the fuck is that?? There is a small circular cluster of bruises. I have a flash back. Old mate bit me last night. Not a love bite, in the throws of passion nibble. I’m talking about “MMMM I’m hungry and could go a steak.” I’m talking tears in my eyes you’re lucky I didn’t fucking kick you in the head. That’s right, how could I have forgotten? No one likes to admit they’re a huge twilight fan or were role playing the scene where Edward turns Bella into a vampire… by biting her on the ass. I’m kidding, thats not what happened. I do like Twilight though. It came like a bolt out of the blue before nothing had really even happened yet. I remember crying out in absolute disbelief to which he responded by laughing. It brought everything to a screeching halt. Sent him a message saying in no uncertain terms, I’m no longer interested. It got me thinking though. I’d known this guy for a whole year. Met him for several hours before hand on more than one occasion. Had countless conversations. There was a mild under current of weird… So why did I choose to ignore my intuition? I confronted him and he was mortified, which was something I guess. He apologized profusely to which I accepted. My favourite line from the whole exchange and the final nail in the coffin… “I’m so sorry, I know I’m a bit of an animal in the bedroom.” This isn’t the Serengeti, mate… Keep your perfectly formed chompers in your fucking mouth.

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