The Suzi Tinder Dating Chronicles: Chapter 5 – Sasquatch is on the LOOOOOOSE!


There were two things that struck me immediately. This guy was a fucking Sasquatch. Now, I’m no oil painting but what I definitely don’t do online dating is try and make myself out to be something I’m not. He was literally as wide as he was tall which was NOT what he looked like in his profile pictures. The weird thing was when we were speaking online he went ON and ON about how he was clean eating and going through some “shredding” phase at the gym. Shredding what, darling? Pulled pork? Want slaw with that?


The second thing was how he was dressed. Going on a date in shorts, a band t-shirt and pluggers with unkempt hair and an unshaven face? The plan was a nice restaurant for a meal, not VB tallies in brown paper bags down the park?? Just not right. I thought maybe it was my fault. Did I give the impression we were just going down to the local? Again, not wanting to be completely superficial I decided to go with the benefit of the doubt and entertain it because he did seem like a normal sort of guy when we were talking online. But then he came out with “So, can you go get changed? You’re making me uncomfortable.” You read that right. I had to go and get changed from a nice dress and heels into jeans and a t-shirt. That was the beginning of the end. “OK that’s better, I can’t go out with a chick that looks way better than me.’ WHAT?!? You can’t make this shit up…


Anyway, he’s going on about this place we were originally supposed to go but I’d already sprang into code red rejection behaviour. Really, I should have said it was nice to meet you and go my separate ways but I didn’t have any other plans so I got into the wine and just let him continue to dig himself into a verbal hole from which there was no escape. We did end up going to for a drink (to the local since it’s we were what we were both dressed for) and he kindly bought some buffalo wings (what happened to the clean eating?) and we played some pool. I thought ok; he’s not really that bad. Probably not second date material but ok to have a couple of drinks with. During the last game of pool he tried kissed me. When I say kissed I mean it was like stacking your bike face first onto the bitumen. I tried to pull away but in his giant Sasquatch grip I think he thought I was playing around so tried to kiss me on the neck before whispering “I’m a bit of a biter…” arrg this is not going very well. I explained I needed some air and went outside and he followed. He then decided to talk to me about American Politics. “I used to hate Donald Trump but then…” Ok you’re like the most horrible human being ever. I can’t even remember what he was talking about after that I spent the rest of the time on my phone till he got annoyed. He was still like, can we go back to your place? I said nah I don’t want to go I’m just going to stay here. He was a bit mystified. “You can’t just stay here on your own though?” He got up and left. I had one more drink and when I was sure he was gone I got in a cab and went home.

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