Ep. 13. It’s official. Love is dead. I am dead. I can’t even attempt to fill you in on what exactly happened in this episode because my heartache is real and it’s clouding my ability to be witty and insightful. In fact I’m sorry this recap is late. I’ve been drinking copious amounts of wine and crying into my tub of Ben and Jerry’s since it happened. I just got so blindsided you see. NO IDEA it was coming… I really genuinely didn’t and man… does it sting. Front runner and Australia’s sweetheart, MY Elly was brutally dumped. And for the third year in a row, I got to the top 5 and no further.
So surprising, especially after the group date which was a sexual chemistry experiment where our Bachie hugged all of the gals, one by one, for several minutes, blind folded. Followed by awkwardly starring into each of their eyes while a “sexual therapist” provided running commentary… “This looks steamy.” What a revelation. Anyway, Elly won the single date as a result because we ALL KNOW their chemistry was the real deal. So here’s where I think it unravelled. She had a big whinge about Abbie not being here for the right reasons and we all know Matt isn’t down for the Dah-Rah-Mah.
Abbie continues to go from strength to strength, understanding that the way to get a man, in the short term anyway, is to dangle a chocolate covered sexual carrot and boy is it working. I don’t like to use the word “grind” in a sentence unless I’m talking about tiling, but I haven’t seen behaviour like it since my grade 10 semi-formal. It’s getting to the point now where when I watch it on the train I have to hide my phone screen from the person next to me less they think I’m watching actual prawn-ography. Oh the shame.