Ep. 11.I’ve been waiting for this moment for two years. Matty J’s triumphant return to The Bachelor and my, didn’t he look just as pretty as he did all those moons ago when ice-queen Georgia Love devastated the nation by picking tall tradie Lee for reasons that still keep me up at night. The only rationale I could think of was that plumbers are pretty expensive to call out when your crapper is on the fritz. So this episode we had our Bachelor success stories (Sam and Snez/Matty J and Georgie Love lookalike Laura) who are expecting babies. I’m sorry I know I’m supposed to be talking about this season of the Bachelor but can we just talk about the elephant that follows me daily. Laura and Georgia Love are like THE SAME PERSON
I digress. The blokes were going to give Matty A advice on picking the right lady, and the girls were going to infiltrate the mansion and pick which girl they thought was a good fit. Anyway long story short, they pick Helena (Honey) and Matt is as surprised as the rest of us because it’s really evident, 25 year old tallest most gorgeous woman in the world isn’t really that keen on our Bach, more to raise her modelling profile since “I’ve never had my heart broken, I have no issues getting a man” is something you DEFINITELY want to tell a prospective love interest on a date?? Matty J just 100% grills her about getting married and it got awkward real quick. Git into Matty J… I am loosing focus watching him on my tiny iphone screen on the train.. Join me as I get lost in my own imagination, being cast back to The Bachelorette when fighting for Georgia Love’s love. He knocked out one of his own teeth jousting. On a horse. You taken em tall. You take em handsome, you take them with or without teeth if they’re on horseback. Seriously woman what were you thinking?? So back to Helena (Honey)… Can’t wait to see how that one plays out. Now, I’ll tell you who’s keen. “I love being in love” Emma (Lindy) scores a single food orientated date and it was… gross. They were supposed to be making their own chocolate, but it was like watching a vet give a cow a rectal exam. I had Vietnam-war style flashbacks to this one time my infant daughter has a poop explosion in the back of my mums Honda Civic. I couldn’t eat crunchy peanut butter for like 2 years.
Cocktail party time and there’s a wee twist. Good ol’ Osher comes out with two red date cards guaranteeing time with our Bach. My gal Elly (Suzi) nabs one, as she needs to get some serious stuff off her chest. However, she’s piqued to the post by Abbie (Will) who saunters in, smacking those giant red lips and manages to manipulate the date card away from her. Oh Elly, how could you be so selfless. Don’t worry dear, your time will come where the favour will be repaid. Abbie utilises this moment, so selflessly given to her, to talk to Matt not about how she feels as was used as part of the tactic, but to talk about how nice tonight’s cheese board is, before gorging herself stupid on all the delicious cheese and frothing over the inclusion of fresh raspberries. A fact she shares with everyone after her time with Matt, much to everyone else’s disgust. For the first time this season, we see Elly get a bit mad. Struth. Rose ceremony time and the Persian cigar Sogand (Jess) heads home, over Abbie. Oh come on… the INJUSTICE!