The Bachelor Recap #4 – Short people got feelings too…

Ep 4. I have a HUGE beef on how this episode played out. Ladies and Gentlemen, Suzi is angry. Angry enough to refer to myself in the first person. Firstly, yeah, yeah, congrats to Monique (Pete) for scoring a single date. Not write worthy because I fell asleep. However, for those new to The Bachelor you’ll know there’s always one photoshoot episode every season where they dress the favourites up in cute outfits and make the “trouble makers” dress in something totes weird and this season has been no different. Nicole (Suzi) and Rachel (Niraj) get dressed as lumberjacks/apprentice carpenters and Mary (Mon) had to wear some hideous button to the neck 1920’s garb which she fixed right away by completely unbuttoning it, so much cringing… Matt’s photo shoot with Abbie (Will) had us all shallow breathing as their faces got closer and closer until they were literally millimetres apart, heavy breathing in each other faces and a lot of eye batting. Watching it, I had this weird voyeuristic Tom Cruise/Nicole Kidman Eyes Wide Shut flashback… some things really should be kept private. There’s a reason Matt had to remain seated throughout and everything was shot from the neck up. There was no denying their chemistry and I haven’t felt sexual tension like it since that time I accidentally fell off the train straight on top of a really attractive Queensland Rail dude, putting my hands in places that should have had me done for assault. It was a long fall. We try to avoid eye contact now. For anyone who follows me on socials, you know what an awkward journey me and the QR dude had, and still continue to have. I should just drive to a new train station…

But anyway, back to my beef. Matt and Cassie (Joel) had a photoshoot around a Romeo and Juliette theme. How romantic. Tall (6’3ft), dark and handsome Matt and pretty and tiny (5’1ft) Cassie. Now, it’s par for the course for the other ladies to pass running commentary but when one of them yelled out “Matt looks so uncomfortable bending over to her, someone get her a box to stand on!” There was a really small part of me that instantly empathized and also raged inside. Did she just crack a short joke? Oh no she diii—uuunt…Really funny… Like in an argument I haven’t heard “Suzi, be the bigger person.” I’m like no mate, I’m 5’1ft and bitter. YOU be the bigger person. One of the women actually said (like it’s a real thing) “She’s too small for him.” Hey b&^% guess what? Tiny people have lots to offer. Guess who would die in a house fire first because smoke rises to the ceiling? Not people closest to the floor that’s for sure. Tiny people spend a significantly less amount of time ducking under tree branches. Tiny people get more leg room on commercial airlines. So here’s my message to you Cassie. You hang in there girl, cause when you’re both lying down, it won’t matter. The right man will be happy to bend down to give you a kiss. Oh yeah, bye to Isabelle (Belle) who got booted for lying down the whole season.

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