The Bachelor Recap #3 – Pink Eye for the straight guy

Ep 3 . Ok everyone calm down, turns out Vakoo (Amie) had pink eye… that’s why she was missing from Ep 2’s Rose ceremony. Seriously, what goes on in The Bachelor mansion when the camera isn’t rolling? I feel like it’s not lingerie pillow fights more like a forced Dutch oven situation for the intruders. Speaking of which, the new girls seem to be loving it still, while the old girls, mostly Rachel (Niraj), whinge behind their backs… Nicole (Suzi) inferred she was cool that Monique (Pete) landed the next episodes date by saying “Yeah I’m cool.” Moment later she is not cool. She all of us at 18 years old at Troppo’s nightclub in Cairns, holding a Midori Splice crying and babbling incoherently after seeing your high school crush (who didn’t know you existed) kissing some rando on the dance floor while your gfs are like “don’t even worry about it he’s a jerk.”. Just me then? Awkward. Anyway, It’s getting old girls, let it go. Let’s get into the good stuff though. Golden ticket winner Elly (yours truly) got her first single date with Matt. And wasn’t our country gal “twitchin’ in her boots. I thought the date with the symphony orchestra was good… This one, wow.

Picked up in in a horse and carriage and taken to Flemington race course, greeted by Gai Waterhouse, get to hold the Melbourne cup AND they both got on horses and went for a ride around the racetrack! Every female equestrian in Australia got a sharp and longing pain in their ovaries. Not the only twinge of pain I felt though…My Tom Waterhouse online account gently whispered my name. “Suuuuuzi…. Reactivate me…..” That reminds me, this year I’ll let my bank manager know in advance before I blow a fortnights pay on the Melbourne Cup so when I get to the bar to order my 8th beer, I don’t find out my card has been blocked for suspicious activity. Anyway, I think I might have died a little inside witnessing the pinnacle of human interaction perfection. Horses + attractive man is certainly right up there on my list of favourite things and evidently well within my grasp. One of the producers asks Matt “Why are you smiling so much?” Geez, hot humans and horses. Also, HE LOVES HER SO GAME OVER, I WIN! Bye bye to relatively unknowns Jessie (Zuleika), Renee (Cailan) and Jessica (Henry) who did not receive a rose. Please say your goodbyes.

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