Part 2: Speed Dating – Picnics with Stefan.

Now that’s I’ve recovered somewhat from the last writing experience, it’s time for a couple more. I’d almost wiped it completely from my mind but my lovely t’ba friend recently went and had her own experiences and so it prompted me to keep writing, so here goes the painful memory recollection. Oh and by the way, I’ve decided this should be three parts. Because it’s just that amazing.  Where was I even up to? Ah yes. We’d just finished talking about levitating D’Artagnan. How could ANYONE top that?

Contestant #6 – A good looking fellow who was about eleventy feet tall. The conversation started politely enough and headed in the same direction, small chat wise, as all the others. “So, how’s the whole speed dating thing working out for you?” I asked. His response left me a little speechless. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought speed dating is what this guy did for a living. “This one is a little tame by my standards. Not that much by way of looks, present company excluded, obviously (Aww I bet you say that to all the girls?!) I have to say my favourite is cougar speed dating closely followed by MILF speed dating. The S&M speed dating group was a bit much though…” his hand gestures, if we were talking about a Broadway musical I would have been excited, but his jazz hands were definitely meaning something sinister… My face:

holy fuckin shit mate

I thought I was well versed at being single, but did you know these things even existed!? He must have seen the look on my face and immediately began to shower me with compliments. “You could definitely be in the MILF speed dating, but you’re maybe a bit young yet for the cougar group…” Where the actual fuck is that bell?

Contestant #7 – This guy just LOVED his life. He had spent the last 25 years being a laborer for a brick work company. The only real labour I’ve done is when my munchkin was born so I can imagine how much of a toll moving bricks would take on your body and mind after 25 years (in the sun). Anyway, he said he went through the typical midlife crisis and found another job. A sales job. He was so incredibly animated about how amazing it was. From the job interview when he had to sell a pen (You wouldn’t believe it Suzi… Just a normal pen, you know, the ball point ones!? That you buy from the newsagency! ONE OF THEM!!), to landing the job that came with an air conditioned company car (NOT A SECOND HAND ONE SUZI! A REAL NEW ONE!). This was the best thing that had ever happened to him and his dog. “Me ‘n me dog now go for cruises up the beach in it. Me ‘n me dog like to chill at home on the weekends, ‘coz now I get me weekends off. Me ‘n me dog love the footy.” I smiled warmly and nodded enthusiastically at his enthusiasm, so as you can see we were both enthused. Then the warning bell went. He continued on about “me ‘n me dog” until the final bell went and he got a move on.

“I didn’t ask you anything about you!” He realized as he was ushered away. My face hurt real bad after that one.

Contestant #8. First you need the visual:

I tell you what, I’ve never been so ready to “discover myself.” Particularly since he was as tall standing up as he was sitting down. An Italian fella with a love of food. Too much love for food as I found out. He had recently lost a staggering 40kgs. Now, being a bit of a telly tubby myself, I found this incredible feat fascinating. How do you stay in that mindset? What type of foods do you eat on a daily basis other than chicken and broccoli? How do you deal with a set back? Do you ever cave in and eat a whole bucket of KFC chicken by yourself then cry silently while you watch Girl Boss on Netflix? Was it your health that motivated you? These were all the questions I was ready to fire out with, because I was genuinely interested to know. Instead he was like “I haven’t, y’know… for a year. Thought I’d better lose some weight.”

insert eyeroll

Contenstant #9. The picnic guy. Must be PC about this one to avoid going to hell. I won’t say it, I’ll just let you read between the lines. He sat down and didn’t say anything. I leaned over and said “hello (reads name tag). How are you today?” He giggled nervously. Aww… “Not much of a talker aye? How about we talk about your favourite thing to do? What would that be?” I asked enthusiastically. The poor poppet looked petrified. He paused for like a minute, eating into our 4 minutes and 20 seconds together, much to my dismay. “I like picnics.” He said quietly. Wonderful. We are getting somewhere. “What would be your favourite thing to put in your picnic basket?” I replied. It was to be the last question I asked. Our quiet and mild mannered man was simply nuts about Picnics. “I’d put in some strawberries, and sandwiches, and cut up bits of watermelon, and icey poles, and grapes, and crackers, and cheese, and chips, yes definitely chips because I like chips. Yes… salt and vinegar chips. Then also maybe…..” You get the idea. Bless him though. Takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there at the best of times. Lots of admiration for him, but I just don’t like picnics that much.

Contestant #10. This guy had pink hair. Pink. Fairy floss pink. A struggling actor working on his craft. That’s literally all I remember because he had pink hair.  I googled it and apparently it’s a thing. I’m all for self expression but unfortunately it’s a no from me.


A few more to go… You’re still reading, right?

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